You may have noticed by now that the theme for this week is creating and honoring space…the space in which you sometimes find yourself, the space necessary to rejuvenate those creative juices. So today we look at the space around us we choose to fill with relationships of all types.
We all have differing degrees of relationships at any given time in our life. The degree to which we depend upon these relationships varies by individual, also. Some of us choose to surround ourselves with just a few close friends while some of us prefer to have an endless list of people to call (or text or email) on any given day. And apparently, we swap out friends on a periodic basis. A study out of the Netherlands claims we replace half of our friends every 7 years.
Most of us don’t give whole lot of thought to our commitment to these relationships – if they’re positive, they just seem to float along effortlessly. If they’re negative, we tend to either ditch them or make the choice to keep them and complain about them incessantly. A concept I’ve recently been introduced to through Steve Linder is called the Hierarchy of Relationships. Essentially, the Hierarchy of Relationships maps out the relationships in your life in concentric circles. In the very middle are the foundational relationships in your life – those people for whom you’d do just about anything. If they need you, you’re there and vice versa. Linder refers to this as your “cabinet”. The next circle represents your “peers”. These are the people that mean a lot to you, you feel comfortable sharing most things with them and enjoy a positive relationship. The next circle represents “friends”. These are the people with whom you have contact and with whom you are friendly, but you either don’t know them well enough yet to trust them inherently or you’ve made the conscious decision not to place them higher up for whatever reason. The next circle represents “acquaintances” and the final “strangers”, both relatively self-explanatory.
Here’s how this is useful. Think about the people in your life that you’d place in your innermost circle, your “cabinet”. What are the things they must do to remain in your cabinet and what are the things they must never do? For example, “My cabinet must always be truthful with me, even if don’t want to hear it, because I know they have my best interest at heart.” and “My cabinet must never lie to me.” Now, flip it around…what are the things YOU must do for your cabinet? “I must be in touch at least once a week.” “I must make an effort to see them in person at least once a month.” “I must be 100% honest, even if it hurts their feelings in the short run.” and so on. Now think about the people in your life you’d place in the next circle, your “peers”. List the responsibilities for each of you at that level and so on. This tool is obviously the most useful at the highest levels. Here’s why it’s a neat model: Sometimes we encounter disappointment or surprise in friendships. Maybe you were treating someone like a “cabinet” member, when in reality and judging by their actions, they were really a “peer”. Had you realized this from the start, your expectations would’ve been in better alignment. It allows you to be more intentional with your relationships.
Here’s a tip as you’re thinking about your “cabinet”, your innermost circle. Being a blood relative does not buy someone a ticket into your cabinet. Your brother may be a cabinet member while your mom falls under the peer category. And that’s OK. Again, the name of the game here is to both manage your expectations and to raise the bar for yourself in how you choose to treat and honor the relationships in your life. If you say Johnny is your “best friend in the whole world” but you haven’t picked up the phone to check in for 6 months, you might want to take a look to see if you’re measuring up to your own expectations for how you want to show up for that friend.
Take a moment today and think about your innermost circle of relationships. What are the expectations you have for those people? What are the expectations you have for yourself relating to those people? And…most importantly, are you living up to those expectations?
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